I usually tell my clients that if they hang in with me for a year, they’ll notice I have some basic themes that I repeat. A year might be long just enough to learn what I have to offer. 🙂 One of those themes is about family being familiar. Of course, it seems quite evident that our family should be familiar. The word familiar is derivative from the word family. They share the same root. This becomes a theme in therapy because of the differences in our families and what exactly we become “familiar”/comfortable with. If we grow up in a healthy loving family, then that is what becomes familiar/comfortable to us. If we see our parents enjoy each others company, laugh and smile together, then we get familiar with that. Basically, whatever we see our parents doing, we figure is what adults in couples do, and that is what “love” is. So if we are exposed to a healthy family environment, then we get familiar and comfortable with healthy.
But if our family life was less that healthy then we get familiar with something else. If there was arguing, stress, fighting, disharmony and worse, then that is what we get familiar with. In an odd sense, that is what we get comfortable with. Again, whatever our parents do, on some level we incorporate that as what adults do when they form couples. Whatever they do must be “love”. So if they argue and fight, we, on some level, take that in as what “love” is.
In my practice, people come in sick over how they are repeating their family dynamics now as an adult. “I’m becoming my mother” or “I’ve become my father” or “I’m in the same crazy relationship I grew up in!”. I try and help them see that they have gotten familiar/comfortable with unhealthy patterns from their childhood. As I go back over their relationship history, they will often tell me about a relationship that just didn’t “feel right”, it was “weird” and as they talk more, it becomes clear that the relationship was healthy and thus “unfamiliar”/uncomfortable and they just didn’t know what to do with it.
Continue reading →